[	Current Location	|	this shitty place...	]
[	mood	|	hopeful.. and thinking	]
[	music	|	X Amount of Words-- Blue October	]

ok... well i was texting jess and what not... she texted me teling me she just told her mom and her sister that she loves me.. holy mother of major NO- NO's.... her mom already doesnt like me... why make it worse by confirming what she already knows and doesnt wanna hear? and her sister pretty much hates me... do i care? no... no i really dont.... it would be nice if all of them would just accept me, or at least be somewhat friendly to me (i try to be nice to everyone and i get ignored... kinda pisses me off) but i dont know.... i know her mom is protective because not only is it her youngest but its her youngest DAUGHTER... who is a LESBIAN..... so shes just watching out for her, and i understand that.... but i wasnt going to DO anything with jess that she needs to protect her from.. i dont know... whenever someone hears that two teens are in love they always expect them to start having sex... nd thats not the case, abstinance is our goal... we dont WANT to have sex because we cherish ourselves and want to wait. i just dont want her mom to stop trusting us (ok she probably never trusted me in the first place.. so i dont want her to sotp trusting jess) because of the fact that were in love... it doesnt always mean that were active. in a way i almost wish that Mrs. Cota would talk to me about it... like what my intentions are for Jess.. but then again im too... intimidated (?) byt that woman because of the fact that shes my girlfriends MOM... it has nothing to do with "she looks scary" or "shes mean" no no, by all means she was nice enough... but im perceptive to vibes and i was getting one from her that kinda said "step away from my daughter".. so uh... yeah... why did i choose this color? to be passive.... to kind of state my thoughts in a calm looking and sounding way so that i dont sound frantic or pissed off... because im neither of those,  im just thinking alot right now... so i gues for now im out.

[	mood	|	enerygetic!!!	]
[	music	|	AFI- i want a mohawk (but mom wont let me get one)	]

ooo, new color!! still not straying from what i like though, anything brighter than this feels like its burning my eyes... im on here to write a poem, or put one on here that ive already written.. so here i go!! WATCH ME!!

I've let her down

For the last time

and my feelings are as such

I love her so

But cant let her go

For the beating of my heart

Even though we're apart

and pain is high

I will live for her, not die.

it doesnt have a title, i just simply couldnt think of one... so deal with it. ubt i liked it, which is weird because not only do i not like my riting, i also dont share it very often..but hell this is MY journal, ill write in it what i please. well im done now.

[	mood	|	happy	]
[	music	|	mix i made for ipo for xmas	]

i talked to ipo last night till early EARLY this morning.... it was the bst. i dont think ive talked to her for that long in awhile so it was quite refreshing.. from 2 am till 5:50 am.... nice stuff. shes the best thing that ever happened to me and i cant wait to spend the rest of my life with her.. wow. this is the most intense feeling ever..  and last night she kinda told me how she felt so THAT was a big step. i mean i know she loves me ALOT but she never tells me anything about why or anything like that. so it was THE BEST conversation ive ever had. well i just thought i should share that and since im done now ill go.. but know that im happy and i havent been happy in a long time  =)

[	mood	|	pissed off	]
[	music	|	Marylin Manson	]

ok im soo SOO incredibly pissed off. people are fucking stupid assholes and i think that Greg should crawl under a rock and fucking die. hes spreading lies about me to the whole "mormon" church (i put it in quotes because i think its bull shit, the people at his church will beleive anything)  anyways and theyre calling me "dangerous, violent and too wild to handle" well he can suck it because im not any of that. and he told everyone that olivia ran away when he kicked her out and that i was "worshiping satan and putting lesbian moves n everyone" and the FUNNIEST thing is he said  (which is a total lie) that he talked to KIMs mom in PERSON and told her all this shit about me...which i know is bulshit because kims mom would have told me AND she would have bitched him out if he DID. people drive me fucking crazy. mom talked to olivia today thats why i know al this shit. dude i could ust fucking punch through the wall... anyways im done.

[	mood	|	sad	]
[	music	|	the sound of pain in the air	]

four tears slide slowly down my face. the agony tearing me apart inside, never having been so scared before. for what reason? love. with held information makes her miserable, breaking down but never to mention it. my love is too strong to ignore the sad tone in her voice as she sorrofully tells me she cannot talk. a shadow comes over me as i click the button to off. standing in the rain with no desire to go inside and face the barrage of questions coming my way. lonly on the porchstep, drenched and without company, i let the tears fall on my jacket. my eyes close by instinct as i wipe the liquid sadness from my cheek, not wanting onlookers from the inside to pay mind to me. walking hurredly through the door and to the couch of dispair to sit unnoticed for my red eyes and an aching heart that shows through. a loss of appetite and of spirit while dialing the numbers to call my giver of hope.   shot from her mouth ans jousting jokes temporarily releive my pain. but when its over i sit in silence as at the beginning by a score of four tears burning like acid, reaching their surface only to spill over and make me think.

[	mood	|	pensive	]
[	music	|	Unloco	]

if i could bleed then i would bleed for you, but my veins are dry with the guilt on my conscience...the guilt you cant retain yourself. missing all error when you look in the mirror, a mind full of haze. anger ensuing all that ive ever loved...my world is falling down around me. everyone i care for is being slaughtered by the evil of life and conflict around them. my hands are heavy as is my heart, my eyes bleed empty tears of nothingness from the oblivion of my emotion into the dispair that you have created. my world is falling down around me. lives are ruined and torn to mere lies spilling out of the mouth of a slippery serpent that has no name yet we all see it and hear its call telling us to lie face down in the water to let all the pain erase itself....all is consumed by the darkness of my thoughts and my world is falling down around me. i see the ruins of the life i once owned as my own, a pulse in my wrist as a heart beats in my chest. the innocence in my eyes and a happiness in my life until the news of an unfortunate other and all is lost again. my world has been lost as have the walls that protected me once and gave me hope....now i create hope like friction, slowly and little bits at a time. ill grow old with all this welled up in the bottle of my emotions i corked long ago, its being shaken..and a carbonated over reaction spills out onto the face of another and my eyes see only black. a throbbing head and a flatlining heart, laying in a cold place all my own....my world fell and is lying still in its rubble all around me. and all i remember you saying to me in that one call was "i love you" as i streamed silent tears in agreement to you and let the phone click to blank.

[	mood	|	distressed	]
[	music	|	Sublime	]

ok, well im extremely..upset and quite a bit weirded out. this girl that i began to talk to on myspace is like....STALKING me. shes WAY obsessive man...im seriously scared. she keeps telling me all this stuff (that is gross and ultimately too much information) and shes always like "lexi i love you, what would i do with out you?" oh my god...NO. she has NEVER MET ME, she lives in virginia and is a friend of my ex...i told her to tell Samantha (my ex) to write me on myspace and she began to talk to me as a friend at first. and then she began to hit on me...repeatedly. so finally i got tired of having to pretend to be nice and what not (i was feeling extremely uncomfy) and i wrote her telling her "i have a girlfriend, i would never cheat on my girlfriend. i LOVE her. so you really need to stop hitting on me because im NOT interested in you like that, we began as friends and thats how we will stay got me?" and she wrote me back saying that she was sorry and shed stop so we oculd be friends...then like 2 days later she startes up again! and now im just like...OH MY GOD WONT YOU STOP! and shes added me to her top 8, and she stole my picture for her profile.....oh my god... someone save me please... i dont get it.. why do people like to freak me out like this? i dont intend to freak anyone out like this...so if i ever have im so..SOOO SORRY. my god.

[	mood	|	creative	]
[	music	|	nothing	]

ok im soo bored . i talked to kim last night to make her feel better..and im glad i could help her...she needs to be happy...she deserves to be happy. dont ask me why i put Ongish as the title...but if you arent aware of its existance then ill clue you in: its a language that if you are trying to actually speak in public is very hard to do... for instance the sentance: "ill do it myself" would sound like (and look like) this: i long long dong o i tong mong yong song e long fong. see? it makes it QUITE long and gets rather irritating...nut its a good code if youre trying to talk to someone and they dont speak another language like you do... or if youre in the middle of the principals office with your best friend and want to tell each other the lie you just thought of so you wouldnt get in trouble...although i have never been in either situation save for once, with my sister, i know the language...its a matter of simple linguistics: with any consonant you add "ong" to the end of it; and you simply say the vowels as are...like A,E,I,O,U sound exactly as they look. and consonants such as B, C,D, etc... would be "bong, cong, dong...etc" exactly, its fun so try it. but i swear if you take my language i will be forced to...be very angry and beat the living hel out of you.. have a good one til later :)